Me, myself and Anu

Nov 12^th 2009

This post is the result of being on one side of the fence, i.e. playing the role of a mother who works outside the house too. And of course from attending some work-life balance seminars and reading too much stuff on the net. Before I had my child I always thought that I would stay at home with my children and never work. I have valued my mother staying at home for us, though she had an MBA and I think we are what we are today to a large extent because of that. But it was not to be, due to various circumstances of course but also because of my own acceptance of the situation. Of that I have no doubt whatsoever. Today I have made peace with where I am, however I constantly think about if I would be happier any other way and also how I can make the best of what I have.

Of course I would be happier if I had more time with V, of that I have no doubt. But I also realize that I probably would not very happy if I were to only do that all the time. And not because I would feel that I am not doing justice to my degree or feel less respected but more because it is quite challenging and lonely to be with a child 24/7 and not have any other adult interaction. I would be perfectly happy being a stay at home mom if I could also have some time for my other adult interests but that is not to be when you have a child to care of, and I cannot even think of daycare or getting someone else to watch him when I would be at home. This is where the caregiver is vital for the mother’s peace of mind. When you find someone you would trust your child with, it enables you to smile a little bit more often. For me an ideal situation would be part time work where I would have more time with V and just some time to be the person who is not just his mother. This is what I feel today, who knows what will happen when the sun dawns tomorrow J

The challenge I see for a mother who works outside the house is mainly setting up some priorities out of which some have to take a backseat. Spending quality time with the child should be priority #1 for both your ‘quality’ of life. It is about making every moment spent with your child a ‘kodak’ moment. Planning and to-do lists are vital in my opinion. Sleep is a luxury and cannot be taken for granted. Some days are going to be crazy and sometimes the laundry will wait an extra day to get done but it is doable. Frankly I think the current cost of living makes a dual income more a necessity than a luxury. I am not denying that people don’t live on one income and don’t raise kids successfully, again it is a choice but one that would definitely not have been easy to make and one that would involve some sacrifices. Daycare does not work for all, and finding a good nanny is not a cheap option either. But next to family the relationship with the childcare provider is key to a mom being able to work. Another huge one is flexibility at the work place, if that is not doable then at least I would quit. Last but not the least is the role the spouse plays, being the mother sometimes and stepping up to the responsibility they share when they bring their child to this world.

The challenges in my opinion are larger for a mom who stays at home. In her own mind, she may struggle with self worth and value. Staying at home moms are not looked at fondly when they send their children to daycare part-time, or if they hire a maid are they L After all, they may like to have a life outside of caring for their child. Added to child rearing they also take on the role of a ‘housewife’, which means cooking, cleaning and everything else that is associated with running a home. Not an easy task. Where does this leave time for a life outside of the home? I would think it might lead to frustration. Again it depend on if this was a choice or a forced circumstance. Needless to say Mr. Spouse can make or break this situation too J

Bottom line whether you choose to work or stay at home, it should be a choice that you make voluntarily and one that you should change to suit your needs as time and situation demand. I think we are the person we are and each one is unique, so there can never be a right or wrong answer. But unless you think and ask yourself if you are truly happy you never will know!

P.S. The title of this post was picked because I do straddle the fence and support both sides of this issue, leaning however more to one side at this point.

Nov 11^th 2009

Disclaimer: This article is meant for individuals over 18. If you are under that age you should be not be reading this. Please close this webpage and go back to whatever else you were doing. The author urges the audience to not spend time wondering if this a reflection of her personal life, instead to feel and experience and reminisce about the passion in their lives J

“Passion” Google dictionary defines it as follows:

- a strong feeling or emotion

- heat: the trait of being intensely emotional

- rage: something that is desired intensely; "his rage for fame destroyed him"

- mania: an irrational but irresistible motive for a belief or action

- a feeling of strong sexual desire

- love: any object of warm affection or devotion; "the theater was her first love"; "he has a passion for cock fighting";

- the suffering of Jesus at the Crucifixion

About a month ago when I took V out for a walk in the afternoon he was bored, and wanted some more. So I went to what is there as an excuse for a community park (just a bunch of slides really). And there I saw two teenagers sitting cuddling with each other sharing their sweet nothings. Not having the heart to interrupt them I brought my toddler home. And then as I was driving home today at around 8 pm I saw a young teenage couple completely lost in a lip lock at the corner of the street under a streetlight. What was I doing at 8 pm driving out you ask ?! Nothing spicy, just picking up our to-go order, our weekend came a bit early J

Being a parent puts a total spin on things. Off late such a sight evokes a lot of emotions in me that veer towards the future thinking what would I do if one day it was my son with his girlfriend. Would he share his feelings with me or would he say ‘Mom, please don’t interfere!’?

But today I let it go (after all it is a long way hopefully) and thought instead of that passionate feeling that makes you lose yourself. I thought about infatuation and falling in love for the first time. I reminisced about the stolen glances in each other’s direction immediately disappearing when one noticed the other. I reveled in the memory of butterflies in my stomach when I waited for him, or saw him from afar or even heard his name being mentioned by friends. When you lose all conscious thought and become so lost that you see, hear and breathe things only associated with him. When you are truly consumed with that one single emotion. When every activity you do from the time to wake up every day is a means to an end- the end being the few hours you spend with each other. When rationale and reasoning become unknown words in your vocabulary. When hours do seem like minutes and minutes of togetherness last you weeks. When mundane tasks like button sewing take special meaning when it is a button on his shirt. Sharing a drink or a bite from his plate tastes a teeny bit more special. Sneaking to spend time instead of being in class or studying, alas you are performing in a limited capacity aren’t you? You have lost yourself along with your senses. And that rage and anger at any other of the species that speaks more than what in your mind is casual and allowed, ha!

Today I have regained my senses some. And while that passion and rage is replaced some by a deep, glowing warmth in my heart, a feeling too wonderful to describe, I feel and encounter with my son the passion that his father opened my heart to experience. In a very different way but with as much intensity that I never even knew I was capable of until I met these men in my life.